Comedy jokes
Why did all the numbers laugh at 22? Because it had "tu tu's."
I once auditioned to be in Sausage Party. I thought I filled the role well.
What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite food?
His shoulder.
How do you get a million Pikachus in a bus?
You shove them on!
Oh Sans, you're such a bonehead! Sorry if that joke was jaw-breaking! LOL.
Sans: "Like, I'm so *flabbergasted*."
Gaster: "👌☼⚐ ✌☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧☜☼✋⚐🕆💧 ☼✋☝☟❄ ☠⚐🕈✍"
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"
My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."
What's the difference between Autism and Gender?
Autism is on a spectrum.
What is the weirdest thing to wear and what is the weirdest thing to say?
Weirdest thing to ware: Socks with sandals, also with flip flops!
Weirdest thing to say: "Would you rather be a bath or a toilet?" "The blue angel sea slug looks like an alien." (weird).
Bonus: Things to ware with other things: Crop top with t-shirt (really hip), Crop top with tights or shorts, dresses with tights! (Cool) Oh well byeeeeeee!
2 + 2 is 4, minus one, that's 3. Quick maths.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?
"I don't get it."
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
Michael has canceled his upcoming dates. They were Tommy, age 9, and Bobby, 11.