Comedy jokes
Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.
Do you like Wendy's? When deez nutz are in your mouth.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W. H. O.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Memes
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?
Why do orphans hate knock knock jokes?
Because there is never anyone at the door.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"
What did the girl say to the man with a moustache?
I moustache you a question.
Osama bin laden hit the towers because he couldnt fly straight
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
One day, an orphan bought a boomerang. He threw it, and it didn’t come back.
Your forehead is so big, Mastermind got jealous.
*Watches sad movie with family*
Everyone else: *Crying*
Sister: How aren't you crying?
Me: I have no tears left to cry...
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?
Logan Paul left him hanging.