Comedy jokes

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.

It’s all about execution.

Yo momma is so ugly, she made my Happy Meal cry.

What is the highest number?

420.

What do you call a pregnant slave? A two for one deal.

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

James Woods, starring in the newest movie: "September 11, two thousand fun."

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

A girl named Sally has no arms.

"KNOCK KNOCK"

She never answered...

I came here to laugh.

Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.

Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Don't tell a Titanic joke, or you'll sink to a whole new low.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Spell.

Spell who?

W. H. O.