Comedy jokes

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.

It’s all about execution.

6 Germans walk into a bar... and only three walk out.

What was Hitler’s favorite sex position?

Sixty nein.

What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.

What is the highest number?

420.

What do you call a pregnant slave? A two for one deal.

Hey, did you know that 9/11 won a Grammy?

Yes, best comedy award.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

The only time rape jokes are okay; is when they aren't forced.

I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

A girl named Sally has no arms.

"KNOCK KNOCK"

She never answered...

I came here to laugh.

Why did the vegetable cross the road? He didn't, he just sat there.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."