City

City jokes

Lockdown

    • Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

    The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

    So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.

    "Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"

    "No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"

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    • City memes

    Adult

    • Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?

    Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.

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    • Suicide

    • A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

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    • School

    • What do inner city schools and databases have in common?

    Their problems are usually caused by a race condition.

    Ground Zero

    • A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

    An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

    The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

    The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

    The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

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    • Church

    • An old man goes to church.

    One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand, he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible.

    The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.

    As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

    As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

    The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

    The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

    "I did," replied the old cowboy.

    "If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

    "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

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    • Animal

    • 3/7 of a chicken, 2/3 cat, 1/2 goat. What do you get when you cross those?

    Answer: Chi-ca-go

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