Christmas jokes
Why do Emos love Christmas? So they can pretend they're ornaments and hang themselves on trees. Hope you liked it, happy holidays!
What did the orphan ask Santa for? A good family.
What did the orphan get for Christmas?
Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.
So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
You are getting Cole for Christmas, you shit fuckers.
It's Christmas morning, and all the decorations are done, but the tree looks like it's missing something. *grabs the noose*
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.
He said it was the most violent book he ever read.
Why do Chinese people hate Christmas? Because they make the toys.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
Why was Santa happy?
Because he had 3 hoes.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.