Christmas jokes
What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?
"Coincidence on 34th Street."
I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.
Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
What is a dog that is Christmas?
A Christmas tree dog!
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?
Moorry Christmas!
(Even though cows can't really have religions.)
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, they haven't got family.
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
To spite Santa and Greta Thunberg, I'm burning the coal I got for Christmas.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What might an aborted child want for Christmas?
..... a home that isn't a bin.
What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?
We dunno, she ain't opened it yet.
"Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way."
"Dr. Squatch will heal the itch, and know it goes away, hey!"
On the 12th day of Christmas Peo Pessi gave to me:
12 tap ins
11 pointless dribbles
10 fixed league titles
9 missed penalties
8-2
6 dives
500 million robbed from Barca
4 UCL semi losses
3 times he blamed Higuain
2 retirements
And a transfer to a farmers league.