Christmas jokes
Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of working girls. Call girls. Hookers. Prostitutes. And the association is a long one, going back to the very earliest legends which place St. Nick as a Greek bishop in Myra, Lycia in what is now the Turkish Mediterranean - three centuries after Christ.
Saint Nicholas is notable primarily for giving secretly to the poor, and supposedly the first to benefit were three young ladies whose poor father couldn't afford wedding or dowry to marry them off - destining them instead to a life of prostitution. St. Nick supposedly threw a bag of gold through the window to pay for the wedding but, by the third attempt, the poor father was watching to determine the identity of the anonymous benefactor. Santa outsmarted him by dropping the last bag of coins down the chimney.
So, whenever you see Santa, he always travels with his three favourite sex workers - who seemingly never grow old. On a quiet, still Christmas night you can even hear him call them.
Ho! Ho! Ho! And to all a good night.
My sister looks like Santa Claus.
"You are so pretty?"
"No, too many people!"
Two blonde girls find a beautiful Christmas tree in the woods.
After two hours, someone said, "We found a tree without bark!"
Father: "Fritz, light the Christmas tree!"
What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.
Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Where do short people disappear on the first of December?
Santa's Workshop.
What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?
They will come down your "chimney" tonight.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?
A hoe hoe hoe.
Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.
What did the person with no hands get for Christmas?
He didn't open it yet.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Why did Santa stop at three ho's?
Ms. Claus caught him.
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?