Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
Little Timmy is hanging out with Rapunzel, and he mentions Hugo and a few other characters from Varian And The Seven Kingdoms, and she responds with, “Who the frick are you talking about? Since I don’t know them, I got a surprise for you!” She wraps him up in Christmas wrapping paper labeled "For Eugene."
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
my son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?
Santa stops at three hoes.
