Christmas

Christmas jokes

Sex addict

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

Elf

What did Santa Claus bring Michael Jackson for Christmas? His elves! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Mama

Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.

Santa

Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.

Mistletoe

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Memes

Picture

My first christmas picture second one ima draw tommorw at school or tonight depends

A drawing shows a snowman wearing a black hat and a tree with red fruit. The word 'MERRY' is written above in yellow letters.

Orphan

Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.

Girl

What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?

I don't know, she's still trying to open it...

Orphan

For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.

Present

Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.

Santa

What's the difference between Chris Brown and Santa?

Santa stops at three hoes.

Santa

Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.

Christmas Tree

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

Mama

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

Kid

What present did the armless kid get for Christmas?

He got gloves. Ohh, sorry, he could never open the present.