Christmas jokes
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
"Ho, ho, ho, what do you want for Christmas, little boy? Longer than two months to live."
Merry eve of Christmas
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?
He raped her.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."
Why is Michael Jackson on the naughty list this year?
Because he sexually kids 😂
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.
If you are depressed, eat Panera Bread. It is so yummy yum yyum yum yum yum.
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad.
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad.
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas From the bottom of my heart.
"You gotta bleed before you teeth."
- Santa Claus
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
How did the tree get sick?
It got tinsel-itis.
A boy got a soccer ball and a bike for Christmas. Why is he sad?
He doesn’t have legs.
What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.
What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.