"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
Q: Why was the depressed kid sad on Christmas?
A: They weren't hanging like the ornaments on a tree.
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
If you are depressed, eat Panera Bread. It is so yummy yum yyum yum yum yum.
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad.
Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad.
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas From the bottom of my heart.
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
I wish 9/11 was in December because the poor farm fields.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where the naughty girls live!
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What did Santa give the mute, blind, quadriplegic orphan at Christmas?
Chlamydia.
Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.
Why do orphans hate Christmas?
Father Christmas isn’t a thing.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Why don’t Chinese kids get to celebrate Christmas?
'Cause they're the ones making the toys.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
Why can't orphans have a Christmas list? Because they can't give it to their parents to tell Santa.
