Christmas jokes
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
It’s Christmas and Sally has a gift. She got a Barrie. Just kidding, she still hasn’t opened it.
Why don’t Chinese kids get to celebrate Christmas?
'Cause they're the ones making the toys.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
Why can't orphans have a Christmas list? Because they can't give it to their parents to tell Santa.
Why is Santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What did the orphan want for Christmas?
Parents.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
Stealing presents from orphans - a quote by Technoblade.
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.
He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."
But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"
Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."
Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
Why can’t Jesus be born in West Virginia?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Why are Christmas trees banned at the mental hospital?
They would hang themselves like ornaments.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, they haven't got family.
What do a priest and Christmas tree lights have in common?
They can both flash.
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
Your mama is so fat that she took a picture at Christmas, and it's still downloading.
What do people get for Christmas when they behave badly? They get coal. Why coal, you're probably saying, because the true meaning is cucks of all kinds.
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!
Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!
I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!