children's jokes
Where did the children go after he stepped on the land mine?
There, there, over there, and over here too.
The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.
Where does Santa send his children to study?
The Elf-phabets.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
All the children ate at the Indian restaurant, except for Simon, because he was eaten by the restaurant owner.
Girl: "Daddy!"
Father: "Do I love you?"
Girl: "I'm a... a girl!"
Father: "Mhm!"
Woman: "Daddy?"
Father: "Of course?"
Woman: "I'm a girl too!"
Father: "Does God love children?"
Boy: "Yessss..."
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"
What starts with S and ends with S? STUPID HOMEWORK NEVER ENDS.
What starts with C and ends with K? Children do not cook.
What did you think I was going to say? How bold of you to assume.
"What do you want to eat?"
"You choose."
"Children."
"What?"
*Picks up pot*
"You said anything!"
Where do Eagles send their children to study?
The Alpha birds.
Q: What's yellow and can't swim?
A: A school bus full of children.
What’s long, yellow, and doesn’t float?
A school bus filled with children.
I have eaten 6 babies, 9 adolescent children, and 2 infants in the past week ;p
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull in a children's play area.
Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.
The sir: My children will be devastated.
Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.
The sir: Whatever it takes.
*Suppressed gunshots*
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
Remember, children, when you're hungry at 3:00, cook forks for 10 minutes, ok?
(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.
Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.