Child jokes

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

KFC doesn't mean Kentucky Fried Chicken, it means "Kill Fat Children."

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

I regret my abortion.

I didn’t know child labor was an option.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.

Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."

The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Me: "I like kids."

Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.

Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?

Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.

Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!

Dad: Oh, hey Brick!

Three children play hide and seek. Their names are Silence, Anger, and Parent. Anger counts. Parent hides in the trash. Silence is at the police station.

A policeman looks at Silence and asks: "What is your name?" Silence replies: "Silence." Terrified, the policeman asks: "Where are your parents?" Silence then replies: "Parent is in the trash!" The policeman then asks indignantly: "Are you looking for Trouble?" Silence replies: "No, in fact, Anger finds me."

They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

God, I love telling children their parents love them, but only on April Fools'. They're orphans, after all.

Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?

Because she loves raisin kids.