Child jokes
What's the difference between a paralyzed kid and a father?
The father gets to leave, while the kid stays.
What is an orphan's dad's job?
A magician because he makes himself disappear.
What do you call a kid watching Star Wars by themselves? Hans Solo.
I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is...
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?
You can’t abuse an alligator.
No one cares if you bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.
What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?
If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.
What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"
The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"
Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."
Why do orphans never play baseball?
'Cause they can never find home.
What's the difference between a Lambo and 200 children in my basement? One screams; the children don't.
How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.
Sorry.
I make baby mush.
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?