Child jokes
What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?
Kids can take both.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Broccoli is like anal sex. If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
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How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."
- One of the thousands of missing children.
A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? You nail its other hand to the ground.
I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
What's Yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of dead babies.
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.
Then I asked him how many years ago.
He replied with, "When were you born?"
Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"
Son: "Nah, mostly men."
Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"