Child jokes
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Kids are cute, not even joking. Wanking is easy around them.
Is it bad to hit an orphan?
It's not like they'll tell their parents.
Why did the little girl flush herself down the toilet?
Because she wanted to join the Brownies.
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
"Dick me down shorts."
"Let girls live" is 9 years old, OMG, right?
Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!
what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?
you find the real one.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
A pedophile is at a school parent night. He's holding hands with an eight-year-old girl when he's approached by another parent. She says to him, "Oh, what a darling little girl you have there." The pedophile replies, "No," then points his finger to a child across the room and says, "That's my child."
A pedophile is sitting at an empty poker table. An eight-year-old kid asked him if he could sit down. The pedophile says to the child, "Sure, let's play."
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?
You can’t abuse an alligator.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.