Car jokes

Daughter: Hey Dad, can I use your car?

Dad: Sure, but first you have to give me a blow job."

Daughter: Okay, (proceeds to service dad). Dad, ewww, your dick tastes like shite!"

Dad: Oh, that's right, I lent your brother the car.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

Why did the polack lock himself out of his car?

Because his keys were inside of the ignition.

Sup peoples?

There was a kid and a historian in a museum about WW2 and were looking at Hitler in a car doing the Nazi salute. The kid said, “Why is he putting his arm in the air?” The historian said, “Indicators on cars didn’t exist back then so he’s probably saying take the Third Reich!”

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!

A girl in my class started barking, and I yelled out, "Furry!" Everyone started laughing at her, and I felt bad. After school, I asked to drive her home, and one the way there I apologized and then told her to count down from 10 - 1. Before she said one, I yelled, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" then I jumped out the car.

Your hairline is so far back that I can't even back out of my car.

Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff? Neither did I til I seen his Head and Shoulders on the dashboard.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Why is it so hard to choose between buying a Subaru or a Volvo? Because you’re deciding whether you want to look like a rapist or a pedophile.

What do you call a car on the side of the road, lit up and ablaze?

Paul Walker's death.

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?

About 40 mph.

What gets hard when tugged and fits perfectly in between boobs... A seatbelt.

What is a pirate's favorite ride? A carrr!