Canning jokes

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

You can beat up orphans, what are they gonna do, tell their parents?

I can see Uranus from here, and it's mighty gassy!

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?

There is sperm on the computer screen.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves up.

Iran: We can beat the USA.

Japan is typing...

Why do orphans play Sims?

Because they can make themselves a family.

Chuck Norris can drift with a horse.

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What makes you think feminists can change anything?

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"