Canning jokes

I can see Uranus from here, and it's mighty gassy!

A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.

Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using the computer?

There is sperm on the computer screen.

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves up.

Iran: We can beat the USA.

Japan is typing...

Why do orphans play Sims?

Because they can make themselves a family.

Chuck Norris can drift with a horse.

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

What makes you think feminists can change anything?

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"