Canning jokes

What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?

She had small tits.

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.

What do maths and 9/11 have in common?

They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

What's the difference between Michael Joseph Jackson and Mickey Mouse? Besides being a disease-carrying rodent, and one a dangerous pedophile, Mickey Mouse can still touch and go near kids.

Michael saw mommy kissing Santa Claus and asked her why she did that. Mommy said she was a good girl. Michael Joseph Jackson asked, "Can I be a good girl and kiss Santa Claus?" Mommy replied, "When you grow up to be a rich white woman." And now, we know the rest of the story.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

What do black parents and elevators have in common?

Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.

Trump cut funding for Sesame Street.

I think he's jealous that the characters on Sesame Street can count to 10.

Why does Batman’s mask only cover half of his face?

So the police can see that he’s white.

What’s one thing a man can do that a woman can’t?

Sit down and shut up.

Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.

Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.

Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.

Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.

Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.