Canning jokes

I just found out that one of the new Star Wars shows is going to be about the time that some malware overloaded all of their computers, and I can tell from the title that those computers use Windows!

It's called "The Bad Batch File!"

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."

Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?

Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.

Why do you need an AR-15?

So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.

What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?

"Good Lord, this is fun!"

What’s something you can say during a pregnancy test and during a sporting event?

"We’ve got a runner!"

What do you call a white man that can dance?

A faggot.

Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.

Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"

Poettschke: "Please get away from me."

Joe Rogan to Christopher Doemges: "What can you tell me about musicians of the 18th century?" Doemges: "They're all dead already!"

How can Batman defeat the Joker? A: With a handful of sleeping pills.

What type of chip can orphan's not eat? The Lay's Family Size chips!

Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

Orphan: "Why?"

Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his gaze is blank. The other hunter grabs his phone and calls emergency services: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"

The emergency dispatcher replies: "Calm down. I can help you. First, make sure he's really dead."

Silence on the other end, then a gunshot. Back on the phone, the hunter asks: "Okay, now what?"

WOW! I CAN SEE THE TWIN TOWERS FROM HERE.

Comedy is so woke these days. You can't make fun of any disadvantaged group.

Except people with Alzheimer's. They'll just forget you made the joke in five minutes anyway.

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.

What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.

Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from the feminists.