Canning jokes

What instrument can a skeleton not play? An organ!

What instrument can a skeleton play? A Trombone!

They should bring Michael Jackson back from the dead so he can star in the Peter Pan horror movie.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

What’s the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?

You can hear a hormone.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

Ring ring.

Abortion clinic!

Where no fetus can beat us.

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

What type of work can orphans do? Homework.

Are your hands feeling heavy? Because I can hold them for you.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

What can you never tell an orphan?

Go home to your parents.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"