Candy jokes
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Gummy bears are chasing me, one is red, one is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life because the red one's got a knife!
Roses are red.
I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!
What candy loves shooting stars? Starbursts!
Why did lil Timmy drop his lollies?
He was hit by a train.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.
Do you think Mars prefers Sour Orbiters sweet?
Orbiter: "Or bitter?"
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
Once I heard a joke about chocolate. It wasn't that funny, so I just Snickered.
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?
Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!
A sister told her brother to walk to the store, buy some candy, and watch a movie with her while eating the candy.
But he couldn't walk because he has no legs. He couldn't buy candy because he has no arms. He couldn't watch a movie because he was blind, and he couldn't eat because he has no stomach. Who said he was real?
Madeline McCann must have been homeless or something, she was sure eager for the free candy.
My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"
Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.
One day, I put a lady taffy on my ass.
Question: Do you know who Candis is?
Answer: Can dis dick fit in your mouth?
Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.
Your mom is so fat that she thought Eminem is a candy.
Why does Jesus hate Skittles?
Because they fall through his hands.
If I stepped on a Twix, would you get mad?
Shut the fuck up, you fat bitch. You always like to roast others, but you can't walk up the stairs without passing out, you fat, stupid bitch. And I caught you breaking into someone's house just to steal a piece of candy, fat-ass bitch.
Why do emo kids love dressing up on Halloween so much?
It's their last holiday for them, but at least they're still hanging on...