Candy jokes

Why does Michael Jackson wear a white glove?

So he won't bite his fingers when he eats a tootsie roll.

Four cows went to the county fair. They saw a sign that said that next year animals can enter a singing contest. They decided that they would enter next year. So they called their group the "4 Cs Quartet" since their names were Clementine, Candy, Cookie, and Columbine.

They discovered how they could win. After a discussion, they decided to eat as much corn as possible, so they would sing in perfect 4 part hominy.

Dad, I'm hungry.

Hi, hungry, I'm Dad! 👋🍪🍩🍬🌮🍔🍗🍟🍤🍉🍭🍫🍰

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock, and Jill's real name was Randy.

What is the opposite of a lady finger?

Answer: Mentos.

Your forehead looks like the inside of a Malteser.

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer…

Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?

Priest: Why?

Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.

What do you get when a cow doesn't give any more milk?

A milk dud 😂

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

What’s a kid with Down syndrome's favorite candy... Grunts.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.

What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?

A sinkers bar.

Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?

Harlem, New York.

What is an Emo's favorite way to Cosplay?

Dress up as a piñata!

A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.