I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"
Can Jokes
What can jump higher than a basketball player?
An emo kid, they never touch the ground.
I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!
Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.
You can't drink alcohol or dance.
Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.
What does Cangaball do after eating its vegetables?
Go on eBay to see how much he can sell the wheelchair for.
If someone licks your elbow, you won't feel it.
If you put your ear up to someone's leg, you can hear them say, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
I had sex with a disabled girl. You can say I handiclapped those cheeks.
What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
Yo mama so ugly,
they won’t give her a vaccine so she can keep wearing her mask.
Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!
So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.
I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.
"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents!
Hahaha come on people, they don't have parents, we can do what we like with them...
Rape...hurt...and sell them!
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"
These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"
The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"
