Can jokes

"Hey man, what’s your name? Oh, my name is... Do your balls hang low? Can you swing it to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow?"

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

'Cause they can never hit a homerun.

My father can take a joke because he made one.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Your hairline can fit a truck without touching either side.

Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you… wait… also the regret after.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.

Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"

"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."

The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"

"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"