Can jokes

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

As an honest Penaldo fan, I have to admit he is a penalty merchant. He can only score against farmer teams like Spezia. He never shows up against great teams like Barcelona.

I've come to realize my hero Penaldo will never be better than Messi. My idol Penaldo is sadly finished.

Can watersharky and Gwen comment on this? I need to talk to you guys.

Why can you bully orphans?

What are they gonna do, tell their parents? Oh wait, they got no parents.

Why can orphans never go to the shops?

'Cause the Talibans will plane dive into them.

If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?

Riddle: I can fill a room, others can have me, but I can't be shared. What am I?

Answer: Loneliness.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

"Together we can stop this shit."

What's the difference between a Ranga and a Brick?

A Brick can get laid.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?

Both of them are just full of shit.

I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.

I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.

They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?

"Good Lord, this is fun!"