Can jokes

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

Why can orphans never go to the shops?

'Cause the Talibans will plane dive into them.

If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?

I robbed a person in a wheelchair. He cried and said: "You can run, but you can't hide." I ran, and I never saw him again.

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

What's the difference between a Ranga and a Brick?

A Brick can get laid.

In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.

What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?

Both of them are just full of shit.

Riddle: I can fill a room, others can have me, but I can't be shared. What am I?

Answer: Loneliness.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Kid: My parents want to meet you, you wanna come over?

Orphan: Na, I'm good. I'm going to watch Home Alone. It's the only movie that I can think of that's related to me.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.

Father: Son, you can do butter!

I'll stop with the horrible puns if you can say a good joke.

What can jump higher than a basketball player?

An emo kid, they never touch the ground.

My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

You can't drink alcohol or dance.

Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

"I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂