Can jokes

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?

Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.

How can you tell a woman's pussy is good?

You smell her fingers.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

Charlie Chaplin and Tork Poettschke meet.

Chaplin: "What can I do for you?"

Poettschke: "Please get away from me."

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

What’s the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

I am reading a horror book in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I CAN FEEL IT!

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

Can I ask you a question? Nut now!

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

'Cause they can never hit a homerun.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Even though you are a meateater, you can still totally be a vegetarian.

Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.

I heard a motivational quote saying faith can move mountains, but faith cannot move your receding hairline.

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?

Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”

He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

WebMD: Cancer.

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That’s not funny, you know Billy doesn’t have any arms and legs.”

Boys: “I know, we need a third base.”

A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."

Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.