Can jokes
Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.
What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
Why can orphans never walk home?
Because there's no way to go.
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
Memes
What is the similarity between math and buildings?
Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
Why tie when you can knot?
Why do they put barcodes on the ships in Norway?
Why?
So when they come into port, they can Scan-de-navian.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
Teacher: What’s 2+2?
Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh
Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.
Q: Get up for a chair joke!
A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:
White person: Dad, you're home!
Black person: Dad?
White person: You can keep the change.
Black person: Empty the register.