Can jokes
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."
My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."
Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?
A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.
You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.
The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You're so flat we can play chess on your chest!
Why do leftists strive for a literate population?
So people can understand their wall of text memes.
Would you rather have ten babies in one trash can or one baby in ten trash cans?
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
What is the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain Bolt can finish a race.
Monkeys are big, but they sure can swing very lightly.
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
Cool people: I can do anything.
Normal people: I can do nothing.
Are you going to jump? Can I jump with you?
Knock knock. Who's there? It's the police... Who? It's the police, let me in so I can get some donuts!
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.