Can jokes

Why can orphans travel around so much?

A. They never get homesick.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

What are the similarities of GTA V and 9/11? A plane can be stolen and crashed into a building by a bunch of terrorists.

What's the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can phone home.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them.

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

¡Hola, soy Dora!

Can you help me find the two fucks I'm supposed to give?!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain Bolt can finish a race.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

I used to date this girl only to find out she's a guy.

I guess you can say she had me in a trans.

Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

We send millions of mosquito nets to Africa; we can save millions of mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.

What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?

I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.

Where can white people cook better than Black people?

On Father’s Day.