Can jokes

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?

She had small tits.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

What does a Mexican Highlander say?

"There can be only Juan!"

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."