Can jokes

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.

It crashed in a cemetery.

They recovered 500 bodies.

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

What does a Mexican Highlander say?

"There can be only Juan!"

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

My wife is like a mirror.

I can never look at it.

Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.

Why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are in the U.S.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.