Can jokes

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload.

What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?

She had small tits.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Hey guys, wish me luck on my game Al-Nassr vs. Raed Al-Raed. I have 604 million followers on Instagram, but we are not gonna be able to beat that. Can we get to 69 followers, please and thankyou?

I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?

A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.

I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.

Two orphans fighting in the rain.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

What place can you always find suicidal cows at?

"McDonald's."

What does a Mexican Highlander say?

"There can be only Juan!"

An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.

if you throw it hard enough.