Can jokes
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.
If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Always!
What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?
A robot can feign empathy.
What does it mean if you can remember a girl's eye color?
She had small tits.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Roses are red, shit is brown, Get that dick out my ass so we can go to town.
Why do orphans love having sex?
Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."
There was an air crash of a Boeing 737-800 which can carry around 300 passengers.
It crashed in a cemetery.
They recovered 500 bodies.
What place can you always find suicidal cows at?
"McDonald's."
What does a Mexican Highlander say?
"There can be only Juan!"
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.
Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."