Can jokes

What is the difference between Superman and an emo kid? Superman can actually land.

This is just a bad emo pickup line, lmao.

Are you Maria? 'Cause you can sure as hell count ME in!

What do you call a man who can fly? A flying man.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

Like, if you hate wearing a mask.

Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!

True story by the way.

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.

Which is the best sport at making fat people lose weight?

Canned hunting.

Why were condoms invented? So gay guys can have sword fights.

What can a duck eat for a snack? Saltine quackers!

My girlfriend's name is Candice.

Can these nuts fit in your mouth? :D

Why shouldn’t you do drugs? Weedle make you high.

How can Pikachu make a baby laugh? By playing pika-boo!

A: Who can tell me a joke?

B: Life.

Me: *opens a bag of hot Cheetos in class*

All my friends: Hey bro, can I have some?

People I don't know: Please lemme have some. PLEASE, I'll be your best friend!

People I say no to: (⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)(⊙-⊙)

I remember I met an orphan. He asked, "Can I suck your thumb?" I said, "Why?" Because "that'd be pig."

Roses are red, violets are purple, lay in my bed so I can suck your nurple.

Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

I can smell your kids!

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

What did the orphan say when he first played Sims? Dang, you can have a family!