Can jokes
Why does Helen Keller hate the national anthem? Oh, say, can you see?
What does Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?
They both come in small can.
Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"
Friend #2: "Apples"
Me: "I can hang myself in them."
What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?
They can both carve a new emotion.
People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?
All I can see when I pass Saturn is Uranus because it's so big.
Why can't toilet paper cross the road? Because the toilet paper got stuck in a crack. 🤣🤣🤣
Why can the orphan only go to restaurants?
Because they can't have homemade meals.
Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.
What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?
The bird can fly off the roof.
What do you call a person with no arms and legs?
You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What do you call it when Red Sox can't pull out?
Boston cream pie.
What college can Stephen Hawking not go to? Spelman University.
B: Can you please stop roasting me?
A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.
Why have sex when you can perv on your neighbor's grandma!
I don't see why women are complaining about the glass ceiling. I mean, if they reach high enough, they can clean it...
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.
Jane ate her friend’s colon.