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Call jokes

Kidney

    • When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

    When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

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    • Dad

    • This dad went out hunting, he killed a deer. He came home and he and his wife decided to have it for dinner but not tell their kids. Instead, they made them guess. The dad said, "It's something that daddy calls mommy." The little girl yells to her brother, "Don't eat it! It's an ass!"

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    • Roast

    • Me and my friend roasting each other.

    Friend: You look like a baboon.

    Me: Stop talking, you look like a gorilla, so I might call animal control on you and I'll be seeing you at the zoo!

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    • Chicken

    • Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because the chicken had 4 chicks and a cheating hen who all sucked out all his money he got from his extremely boring job, and he finally got some peace for himself and was going to the local bar, which was on the other side of the road.

    He walked in the door, wings sagging, feathers catching on his claws. The bartender eyes him as he sits on a bar stool. "Chuck, how ya doin'? The missus doin' good?"

    "Just give me the hardest stuff you got. I'm done."

    This caught the bartender by surprise. "Chuck, come on, don't be sayin' that. Just look to the future and you'll be fine."

    "What future?" Chuck replied in a huff. "My wife and chicks are so goddamn pestering sometimes, you know? But if I leave, they'll all suffer, and I don't want that either. Oh, God, Phil, I don't know what to do."

    "You know, you've got a good heart for a rooster your age," Phil answered. "We need that in these parts. I'm tellin' ya, there will be more than what's happenin' right now, ya know, life's got all its gears turning for ya, and there's just a bit slow right now. The gears haven't been oiled in a while, but who's the only one who can fix that?"

    Chuck knew the answer. "Me."

    Phil returned with his drink. "McClucken's Whiskey, on the house."

    Chuck glanced at his glass. He held it up to the light. His face reflected in an aura around it, neither looking forward to the light and not backward, either.

    "No thanks, Phil," Chuck sighed, "But thanks anyways."

    He went to get up out of his chair. Phil called as he walked out the door, "Just remember to oil the gears every now and then, eh?"

    Chuck's comb flapped in a cool breeze brought in by the season. A bench was nearby, staring across to the other side. And he just sat there, sat there thinking. Cars blurred to a colorfully colorless nothingness as he thought in silence.

    He could see an open window in his mind, full of chickens: a sassy hen, two identical sportish chick; another, older than the two, and body bristling with blue comb-dye and the latest thing he watched online fresh on his Chickstagram page; finally, the first of the bunch, shy, bookish, with a secretly courageous soul. They all looked... worried, worried for the rooster who guided them, helped them grow, supported them... and all looking out of the window back at him.

    A single tear welled in Chuck's eye.

    The chicken walked back across the road to his family, to his friends, and to the life he was content with.

    Nickname

    • I started a new job. My boss said, "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky." I said, "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick."

    She said, "How do you get Dick from Kyle?" I replied, "You just ask nicely."

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    • Puberty

    • God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

    Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

    God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

    Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

    God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

    Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

    God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

    God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

    God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

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    • Teacher

    • Chapter 1. "Kid teacher"

    Mrs. Lewis: Class, I want everyone to look at their textbooks and find a reasonable essay topic. My suggestion is page 232 or 678. Now, this essay counts as the final grade for the semester. Now do it, or you will repeat 5th grade again! Now turn to page 100, and we'll start reading from there. Do you all understand?

    Neilela: Yes ma'am, quick question, we don't have to do it today... do we?

    Mrs. Lewis: Yes! It is today!

    Andrua: It sounds boring, and all I have to do today is be a big jerk who gives way too much instruction.

    Mrs. Lewis: Anyway, let's get to work.

    56 hours later.

    Mrs. Lewis: Kids, when I call you, please tell me what you liked about your essay. When I call your name, Carl.

    Carl: Why me? Yes?

    Mrs. Lewis: What did you like about the story, Carl?

    Carl: Um... I liked it when... um... um... um... um...

    Jeklen: He didn't even read the story because he's too busy trying to look up the letter "J" and its meaning!

    Carl: Jeklen, shut up and stop biting your hair.

    Jeklen: At least I know what the letter "J" is.

    Mrs. Lewis: Class, please listen. Carl, did you read the story that I asked you?

    Carl: Well, not really because you were the one reading it in class, so...

    Vronica: For real!

    Carl: Mhmmm

    Mrs. Lewis: Listen class, this homework needs to be done today! DO IT!

    Kimbriel: Ms. Lewis, I have a lot of questions about tonight's homework.

    Mrs. Lewis: Yes?

    Kimbriel: You assigned so many things just for a little test! What?

    Mrs. Lewis: I need a break! Peyton, you're in charge!

    All students: NO, NOT PEYTON !!!!!!

    Peyton: Me? In charge? Of the class?

    Jessica: Wow, but you're all about the boredom!

    Peyton: Shut up! yeeeeeeee

    Peyton: Ms. Lewis, there must be a mistake, how can I be in charge? I'm 11... I think...

    Ari: To think that yesterday she thought she was 8 years old.

    Oh sorry... I think.

    Mrs. Lewis: Have you ever heard of a teacher's vacation?

    All students: That's not a thing!

    I never heard of it...

    Mrs. Lewis: Well, me and Ms. Sumrall, we are going on a "teacher vacation", we can do it because we become calmer, or we don't get angry at the students. AND WE CAN DO IT!

    Khloe: Why?

    Mrs. Lewis: Because I am an adult.

    Ms. Sumrall: Is Petrina ready?

    Ms. Lewis: Yes, thank goodness for this!

    Kenya: Bye? "Chapter 2" To be continued...

    Imposter

    • I remember last year all these bitches called me lame so I stopped the simping and pretended I was gay, now I think they're all fucking with me.

    I'm an LGBTQ imposter got cut last year know I've made the roster and you may think I'm a monster. I'm just just tryna see some titties.

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    • Domestic Violence

    • I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

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