But jokes

Sometimes I wish I could use my school scissors on my heart.

But apparently there is something in your heart, so I already have scissors in my heart.

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?

Answer: The future.

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."

Less depresso, more espresso, I'm still depressed, but now I'm fast.

One day, a class of children were killed in a bus accident, but only some survived. One was praying that he would survive, and the other said, "First time?"

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

Every bad joke can become a good joke with a good delivery, but abortion jokes, they have no delivery.

You heard of the Pixar movie "Up," but have you heard of "Down, Down," the 9/11 terrorist attack?

Once the old lady told me she had wisdom, but after she voted! 🤯

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

I don't know why, but every 911 joke I've heard always comes crashing down.

I would tell you a joke about meat, but the stakes are too high.

But when?

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Call me fat? You call me fat because you think that you’re pretty, but you ain’t. You’re just a musty, dusty, rusty Cardi B.

Tell rumors about me, but please don't say I'm in a love relationship.

The way ladies cheat nowadays is very alarming.

She might give birth to twins, but each twin having a different father. 😭

I told a joke at a funeral, but no one laughed. One mf was ded though💀.