But jokes

What goes in hard but comes out soft?

Gum.

Roses are red, violets are blue, she is hot, but you're as ugly as poo.

I submitted 10 puns to see if they'd make this list.

But no pun in ten did.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

Let's get this right. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg, but you can't beat...

I have OCD and ADD, so everything had to be perfect...but not for long.

I’d make a joke to Fetty Wap on this, but there’s only a 50/50 chance he’ll SEE this.

I'm not saying you're stupid.

But you're the reason plastic bags come with the warning, "Do not place over head!"

A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.

-- Jeffery Dahmer

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

I used to be into fitness. But running from my problems got exhausting.

Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"

It's sad when the person that gave you memories becomes a memory.

You know one of the worst feelings ever to exist?

When your parents and friends all still see the happy little kid you used to be...

...but in reality, that kid has been long gone for years. (not my words)

A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

Dark humor and women are very similar...

Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

I would make a disabled joke.

But they never work.