But jokes

Man, I had a joke, but it left and never came back.

Two friends are arguing and one friend says, "Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs, ands, or buts about it."

And the other friend says, "Butt he is."

I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.

What's worse, being loved or hated? 'Cause when you're loved you could be left alone or be betrayed, but when you're hated no one's there to leave you. What do you think?

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

What goes in hard but comes out soft?

Gum.

My 1 year old nephew had a stroke. I know, sounds bad... but he would have needed to learn how to speak and walk anyways.

What has hands but can’t clap?

A thalidomide baby.

Hey man, I was gonna tell a joke about 9/11, but it was just plane.

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a touchy subject.

Roses are red, bow down to your master, children are fast, but I am faster.

A few men have curved penises, but they can fix that problem by straightening it out.

A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.

-- Jeffery Dahmer

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna!"

Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun,

But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

What goes down but not up?

An emo.

This orphan showed me a family photo.

But it was just a selfie.