But jokes

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

A normal exorcism is getting a demon out of a person, but a reverse exorcism is the devil telling the priest to get out of the child.

If you hate what you hear from Nickelback, at least you can get your nickel back.

If you have to deal with the noise from Deftones... unfortunately, not only are you unable to obtain any refund, but you may have become permanently deaf.

Haters are hating. I'm still alluring, but I couldn't give a fuck cus this site is dying and boring.

Girls are like blackjack.

I always want 21 but end up hitting on 14.

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.

I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.

If you give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a couple of hours, but if you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life :)

*True story*

I saw this guy with a very bad hairline who was painting himself blue and it said "Smurf Paint," but I shouted, "Megamind!"

Do you know that no one finds Hitler a great guy?

But he really saved the History Channel.

She responds: “See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”

The kid replies: “But, Mom, I’m blind!”

Mom: “Exactly.”

I’m not a weatherman, but I’m expecting a few more inches tonight.

What does a knife have but not my life...

A point.

Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.

People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind...

...but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

Everyone is able to be stupid, but you're just abusing the privilege.

I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...

But then I changed my mind.

Why is my pee pee 2 inches in length but 5 in girth?

I've always wondered how it would feel to put Hellen Keller in a room full of doorknobs... but no doors.