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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.

Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.

Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.

Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.

Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.

Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.

Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.

Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.

I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.

Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.

Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.

Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.

Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.

Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.

Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.

Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.

Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.

Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.

I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.

Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.

Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.

Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.

Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?

Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

I was going to think of a good amputee joke...

But I’m stumped.

I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys! Except that one headshot, but we don’t talk about that.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

Almost all of you suck. If you're following me, hah, this isn't a joke, but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh. KYS, Wade =D

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."