Broken jokes

What has to be broken before you can use it?

Answer: An egg.

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.

What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

They're both accidents.

What should you do if the dishwasher breaks?

Kick her.

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

What's the sound that dwarfs make when they have sex?

Broken plates.

What's the difference between a broken shovel and a young child?

The shovel doesn't cry when you swing it into a wall repeatedly.

Why did Techno die?

They broke his bed.

Two persons were in a car. The brakes were broken and they were going so fast that they would crash and die.

The driver said: "Oh no! We will die!" but the person sitting next to him replied: "Don't panic, the stop sign at the end of the road will stop us."

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?

They both broke and everybody cried.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Why did Helen Keller ride a broken roller coaster?

She didn't see anything wrong with it.

11:45 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle.

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:45 - Realized watch was broken.

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

Leo is like a broken pencil... pointless.

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."