Bought jokes

A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.

I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.

I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.

The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."

Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"

I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"

Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"

John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis

The duck bought lipstick. When he paid, he said, "Put it on my bill."

When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Your mama is so stupid, she bought tickets for Xbox Live.

How do you call somebody who has bought a Corona?

A Cor-owner.

I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?

Kurt Cobain's microphone.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

I went to the shops yesterday. I bought roast chicken, eggs, and duck. The cashier read $45.99. It was an egg-cellent price!

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

Yo mama so stupid!

She bought a spoon... TO THE SUPERBOWL!

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler?

How much did the haulla-cost?