Blow jokes

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?

That number is how many dicks you suck.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

What does a Hufflepuff wolf say? “I will huffle and puff, and blow your house down!”

That is related to Harry Potter 🧙🏼‍♂️.

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."

What do Middle Eastern suicide bombers say before they blow up?

I weel sho u wot da bom bom is! ALLAH!

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

"Mom, these balloons are hard to blow."

"Son, stay out of the drawer."

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."

"Hey man, what's that, a dynamite you have in your hand? Ok, well hold it over. I'll give it right back."

"Oh no, I won't!"

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Oh, I won't!"

"Oh yes, you will!"

"Ok fine, then you take it or I'll blow our your butt before it farts."

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.

Clear all your debts with one easy payment. Buy a shotgun and blow your head off.

Rock-a-bye dummy, in the tree top.

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock.

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall.

Down will come dummy, cradle and all.

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

My friend had a house FULL of okra, but it blew up and okra was everywhere.

I guess you can call that place Okra-homa!

You blow a kiss up.

Your eyes were bright up your ass.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.

Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?

Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?

Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.

(5 seconds later)

Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

Yes, sir.

Four big guys and they grab on my thighs. Blow up my guts like the 4th of July. If they keep fuckin' my butt then I might just cry. Poop and semen sprayin' on my eyes.

He lick my dick and the cum start sprayin'. Charging up my dick I'ma go super saiyan. When he cum the fuckin' booty I don't do much playing. Then I whispered in his ear, like hey are you stayin'? He said yeah I'm not leavin'.

I guess he George Floyd, cause always leavin'. Not breathin' he chew on my dick like a baby. That's teathin' I'm fuckin' a nigga I think it's named Steven. Hawkin' f*ck him 'til he ain't walkin', dick stone-cold call him BBC. Austin It's a booty massacre when I visit him in Boston. Bought him new titties I don't care what they costin'.

Bitch, hop on the dick do a split. Shout out Lil Baby. My dick is as real as it gets, I'm not fuckin' on him if he don't have tits. I'm catchin' his balls like my name Kyle Bitz.

There's four Big guys, they're grabin' on my thighs. They blow my guts like the 4th of July. If he keep fuckin' my butt then I might cry. There's poop and semen sprayin' on my eyes.

Yes sir, that is a fact tho, take out my dick slip it in his asshole. Swinging my dick through the air like a lasso. Painted his face like Apollo Pocasso (ugh). But I'm not a very good artist, f*ck 'em all good 'til that. Nigga farted planted my seeds in his ass like a garden. The way I play with balls, you should call me James Harden.

Yeah, DigBar is elite, there's four big guys and I'm takin' their meat. I eat the boy's butt, Then I chase him with skeet. And I charge for booty, I promise DigBar Isn't cheap. And I count dudes when I sleep, not sheep, get up in my sheets. And I'm beatin' on my meat.

Bitch. We got four big guys and they grab on my thighs. And they gon' bust on my eyes.