Blow jokes
Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.
Why can’t you tell JFK facts about Dallas?
Last time he was there, he got his mind blown.
I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.
Codenames for them FUCKING drugs, my crackhead ngas.
Cannabis: Weed, Pot, Ganja, Herb, Grass, Mary Jane, Bud, Chronic, Kush, Trees, Hash, Hashish (concentrates).
Cocaine: Coke, Blow, Snow, Dust, Charlie, White girl, Pearl, Nose candy, Rail, Sniff.
Crack Cocaine: Rock, Hard, Nuggets, Dice, Jelly beans, Moon rocks, Sugar block.
Heroin: Smack, H, Dope, Junk, Black tar, Brown sugar, China white, Horse, Dragon, Skag.
Methamphetamine (Meth): Crank, Speed, Chalk, Ice, Crystal, Glass, Shards, Tina.
MDMA (Ecstasy/Molly): E, X, XTC, Molly, Beans, Adam, Happy pill, Love drug, Dancing shoes.
LSD: Acid, Tabs, Doses, Dots, Blotter, Window pane, Sugar cubes.
Ketamine: Special K, K, Vitamin K, Cat Valium, Green K.
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
Rizz.
Are you a dinosaur? Because I want to blow you up.
So apparently, Kurt Cobain's death was mind-blowing.
A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"
What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."
How do I fix a broken light bulb? I don't. I simply blow up the house.
Why do terrorists like the Twin Towers?
It's the next thing they blow up.
"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."
~John F. Kennedy
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.
So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....
What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
Watching porn.
Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.
What does an Al Qaeda terrorist and a flexible man have in common?
They can blow themselves up.