Birth jokes

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

At first, I was a boy trapped in a girl's body, then I was born.

Mom, mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand..... Little Johnny, good! But he's not born yet.

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"