Birth jokes

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

I'm not saying you're ugly, but you're the reason God created miscarriages!

Yo mama so old, her birth certificate expired.

My parents told me I was born on the highway.

Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.

So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.

Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"

The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."

Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"

The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

At first, I was a boy trapped in a girl's body, then I was born.

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

Mom, mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand..... Little Johnny, good! But he's not born yet.

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor tried to put her back in.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

All normal-sized babies are delivered by stork.

Heavier babies are delivered by crane.