Birth jokes

Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents name him "Sudden Lee."

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second kid asks their mom, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head." Then the third kid yells, "Ahjoejienfkef." The mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"

There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."

You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."

Your adopted.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

Jon said: What do you call a pregnant woman?

Mike said: I don’t know, what?

Jon said: Kinder surprise.