So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.
Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
In a normal country, they have lemonade. In Soviet Russia, they have Leninade: "Refresh yourself with a cold war."
A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
Next time I'm at a restaurant, and they ask what I want to drink, I'm going to say "bleach".
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
How did your dad come back with the milk? The Milky Way.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
What do you call a musician 👩🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?
A popsinger.
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
Did you know ghosts are alcoholics?
They only come out for the boos.
The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso espresso.
A feminist walks into a bar. Her friend says, "Oh my god, your shoulders are broad!" Another woman says, "Are you sure it's a woman?"
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.
I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.
