Beverage jokes
What is Michael Jackson's favorite drink? Mi-hee-lk.
Why does NASA only serve Coke?
Because they can't get Seven-Up!
How do you call a sad coffee? A depresso!
Did you hear about the man that got fired from his can job? It was soda-pressing.
The people in the Democratic Party are how I like my coffee.
Black and bitter.
You know where I get my soda? Mini-soda.
What did the orphan say to his dad last?
Please get non-fat milk!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.
"What's she like?" he asked the boy.
"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.
I want coffee like my men.
Dark.
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Your momma so ugly, when the Kool-Aid man burst in the door, he said, "Oh no!"
What happens to grapes when you step on them? They wine.
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
What is purple and whines when it’s squished?
A bunch of grapes! 🍇😂
What is a tree's favorite thing to drink?
Root beer.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
What do you call depressed coffee?
Despresso ;)