Being jokes

What do you call a duck that is addicted to drugs?

A quack head!

My mom must be a duck then...

So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

You really seem like you don't want to be laughing at that rape joke, but somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

"Did everyone see that because I will not be doing it again."

- Captain Jack Sparrow

If I had a dollar for every time a rap hater made an intelligent statement, I’d be more broke than the rap haters.

If Will Smith could be in any movie, he would be in "Find My Hairline."

Do you want to be in Heaven with Jesus, our savior, or be on Earth with bad things?

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.

Weird.

Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.

Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?

Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.

The next woman who says she'd rather be alone in the woods with a bear, I'm throwing her in a pit with a bear and making her fight it with a wooden sword while drinking and singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair."

The inspiration for Chuck Norris to be in Walker, Texas Ranger is by decoding each of the letters in the title.

Walker, Texas Ranger = Wrangler, Karate, Sex!

When God said, "Let there be light," he got blinded because you reflected it off your forehead.

You're so fat, when you went on the weighing scale, it said "to be continued."

Me: I wouldn’t want to be with a shitmate.

Shitmate: You’re so shitable.

Me: Bring banana ice cream.

Shitmate: Never happening.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Why is your hairline so put back it's looking like it was slapped by Will Smith and it needs to be fixed?

Why do orphans want to be criminals?

To be wanted.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.