Behavior jokes

For all the online haters on me, comment here, be honest.

Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.

Why should old women never eat seafood?

'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"

Kid: Aye, Mum, I'mma do something Dad could never do.

Mum: And that is?

*Kid walks out.*

*Kid comes back in with milk.*

Mum: I'mma beat ya ass!

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

He probably picks hair off his dad’s dick, then probably puts it in his hair.

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

Why can't a little girl fly? She doesn't have the proper motivation.

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "She was a little tardy."

I asked her, "I thought they all were."

Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."

Ugh... I hate Anons so much, they're annoying as fuck.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was dumb.