Bed jokes

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my bed has room for 2 ;)

Why do men get great ideas in bed?

'Cause they are plugged into a genius!

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.

My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.

So did my friend on the right.

I had a dream of skiing.

A girl and boy are in bed after sex. The boy goes, “I can’t believe they got together after all that shit.” The girl says, “Who?” The boy goes, “My ass cheeks.”

When younger girls say, "I want my period, or it will not be bad."

*eating chocolate in bed crying* My face at them when they say that. 🤣🙄😵

Them: "I got my period." *them hurting*. Me: "Told ya."

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.

Your momma so fat, when she asked for a water bed, she got a concrete bed.

Dad: Honey!

Mom: What?

Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.

Mom: WHAT!?

Children: *staring*

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.

Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

What can you say in bed and in piano class? Im fingering A Minor

Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”

Why does Darth Vader always choke people?

Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.

Yo mama's so fat, she woke up on both sides of the bed.