One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"
Q: What did the sign say on the whore house?
A: Beat it, we're closed.
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.
Cancer is so easy to beat. I'm already at stage four!
Cancer is like a video game.
Some people cannot beat it.
I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was, "Act like you're hard, but your dad beat you harder."
You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
Why do I call my dog a vibrator?
Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.
What's the best part about beating up an orphan?
They can't tell their parents.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?
Mashed potatoes.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.
Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.
How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?
Skelesore.
Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.
Osama Spin Laden, dropping beats like the twin towers.
