Baby jokes
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
I make baby mush.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.
Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."
What does a baby in a blender look like? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"
"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
What's worse than finding one dead baby in a bin? Finding one dead baby in five bins.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”
“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What does a perverted frog say? Rub it.
Why don't witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom.
What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped.
What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender.
A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."
"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"
"We're going with Trevor."
"Ok, what if it's a girl?"
"Then we'll have an abortion."