Baby jokes
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
What's worse than a baby in a trash can?
A baby in 10 trash cans.
What goes pop pop sizzle sizzle?
Two dead babies in an acid bath.
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
"It's pasture bed time."
I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
What happens when you put a baby in a blender?
The baby is a cherry smoothie.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
Your mama so ugly, when the baby came out of her, the baby didn't cry. The baby said, "What the hell is this shit?" and walked out of the hospital.