Baby jokes
What's worse than 3 babies in one trashcan?
One baby in three trashcans.
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.
Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies?
I don’t put fruit in a blender.
How did the dead baby cross the road?
It was strapped to the chicken.
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.
“Those are just contractions.”
I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
Are you George Floyd?
'Cause baby, you take my breath away... OOF!
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.
The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.