Baby jokes

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.

Why did little Susie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms or legs.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

Not Susie.

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?

An erection.

What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.

What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?

My boner.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.

How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2

-Harpoon it.

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.

What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.

What's better than throwing dead babes?

Catching them after with a pitchfork.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.