Baby jokes

What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?

One baby stapled to five trees.

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on its face as you climax.

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first?

Watching their expression change.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?

I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"

The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."

A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"

The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."

Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."

Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.

The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"

A momma cow and three baby calves are on a farm. The first baby calf asks the momma cow, "Mom, why is my name Rose?"

The mom responded, "Well, you see, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second one asks her, "Then why is my name Daisy?"

The mom chuckled and simply replied with, "When you were born, Daisy petals fell on your head."

The last one said, "DUH DUR SURH!"

The mom said, "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!"

Did you hear the joke about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

What did mommy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

What do you call a premature Chinese baby birth? Wong Tai-Ming.

What did the south tower say to the baby north tower?

"Here comes the airplane!"

What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?

They both make a sound when thrown.

How do planets have a baby?

They have spasex.

What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of your mouth, while the other one doesn't!