Attempt jokes
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
Best friend *holds a sign up that says "what gender are you?"*
Me: Uh, male?..
Best friend *then unfolds paper so it reads "what gender are you attracted to?"*
Me: You silly goose.
*Silence for like three seconds*
Me: Still male though-
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
Two friends fighting.
Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"
Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."
Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
An emo tried to give a tree a hive, but it left him hanging.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
No.
If a woman gets raped, just walk away, don't bother. Cheer on the rapist if you want.
They believe they are equal to men, right? So they are able to fight back, right? Then prove it! My EQUALITY!
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Yo mama so small that she tried to hike Mountain Dew.
It's kinda sad seeing you attempt to put your whole vocabulary in one sentence. Oh wait, you only said three words.
I was excited to finally watch the new documentary on Netflix. It was about Pessi’s UberEats career.
In the trailer, Pessi delivered food to French farmers. I watched the documentary and got shocked when I found out how finished Pessi is. He delivered one Pizza in 44 attempts.
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.