Attempt jokes

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.

Being asked for advice after a failed suicide attempt:

"What advice do you have for people out there?"

As a suicide professional, don't try this at home.

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”

Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said, "I'm a failure at suicide, too."

Try not to <3.

They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.

My attempt in 2021.

And my attempt this year.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.

Yo mama so small that she tried to hike Mountain Dew.

It's kinda sad seeing you attempt to put your whole vocabulary in one sentence. Oh wait, you only said three words.

I was excited to finally watch the new documentary on Netflix. It was about Pessi’s UberEats career.

In the trailer, Pessi delivered food to French farmers. I watched the documentary and got shocked when I found out how finished Pessi is. He delivered one Pizza in 44 attempts.

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

Am I the only one here that actually tried to kill myself 15 times and failed every time and landed up in the hospital every time?

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

What's worse than a failed attempt at suicide?

The pity looks people give you and people keep you away from 'dangerous' things.