Assault jokes
"Wanna play the rape game?"
"No!!!!"
"That's the spirit!"
No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.
How do you kill time?
Easy! Taking alarm clock and an assault rifle.
I raped your mom. I flipped her upside down and called the position "wow."
What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?
A rape victim!
What is the difference between a rapist and a dictionary?
One of them knows the definition of no.
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.
G is for George smothered under a rug.
H is for Hector done in by a thug.
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.
J is for James who took lye by mistake.
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.
N is for Neville who died of ennui.
O is for Olive run through with an awl.
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.
S is for Susan who perished of fits.
T is for Titus who flew into bits.
U is for Una who slipped down a drain.
V is for Victor squashed under a train.
W is for Winnie embedded in ice.
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.
What did the first rape victim say to the second rape victim?
"You are a consequence of rape!"
What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?
That’s assault!
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.
He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"
My friend, Jackson Huge-T, got raped by Huge-D's.
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
I saw a guy raping a girl in the park, so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against the two of us.